I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize