Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
