Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
