probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize