I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
