I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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