i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
