How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
