he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
