Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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