He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
