I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You ruined the universe
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize