It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
