so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize