so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
