I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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