Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
