Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize