So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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