Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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