It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
