Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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