both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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