I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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