My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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