o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
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