You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
