Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
