everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
