just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize