i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize