there's paper in my vomit.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
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