Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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