But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
In other news, I just burned my penis
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
