i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
