I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Randomize
