How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
he just fucked me for my cheese..
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
