After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
