I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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