my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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