My sheets look like a crime scene.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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