I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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