Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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