My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Randomize
