just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
