I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Randomize
