Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
