After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
