I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize