the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
