Jerry, you need to find god
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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