I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
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