i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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