i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize