I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
