I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
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