I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize