Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
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