Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
