Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
