I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I just pynch a tree in the face
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
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