I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize