Quick, to the slutcave!
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
