i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
