9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
